Day 7: Things that make you sad
Life isn't always happy, sometimes sadness comes unexpectedly. It's definitely not happened just once or twice. But, what's the biggest sadness I've experienced? This question is pretty hard to answer.
Actually, I'm not doing well. You could say
that my current condition, when this article was written, is the lowest and
worst condition of my life. I feel like I've failed at everything, my plans
have fallen apart, I've unintentionally inflicted great disappointment and hurt
on my family, especially my parents.
I don't know if writing my story is
something embarrassing and feels like exposing my 'shame'?
As you know, if you've been reading my posts since day one, I'm a perfectionist. I do everything with high standards of perfection, including making plans about my life. So when everything doesn't go according to plan, I feel like I'm falling.
At first, I felt like my life was fine. I had a pretty good job with a good salary. A marriage that wasn't perfect, but I tried to change my perspective and how I dealt with things to be able to stay in it. The point is, maybe the people around me saw me as fine. I also tried to be grateful for everything I had.
My downfall started with my marriage
falling apart. That downfall also destroyed me. There were so many unanswered
questions in my mind, and it made me crumble even further, even turning into
dust.
I lost myself and I felt like I lost my
'value'.
My condition at that time was that I had just stopped working, of course with my husband's (not yet ex-husband) agreement, with a plan to build a new career that certainly wasn't easy. At first, I felt like I'd be fine as long as my husband was by my side. But God seemed to have other plans, and everything changed in seconds. My marriage fell apart and I felt like I was 'thrown away' because I was no longer 'valuable or useful'.
I fought to the last drop of blood to save the marriage. But, I seemed to be struggling alone, making me look really low. Until finally, I gave up and chose to prioritize myself.
The incident I experienced made me feel truly worthless. I was sick, had no job, and of course, I wasn't young or attractive anymore. So what could I be proud of myself for? That's what was in my mind at that time. Especially my parents, who were disappointed because I quit that 'bona fide' job only to end up like this.
Especially my friends who are my age, who seem to be flying higher, some are studying abroad and others. While I'm back to square one, even negative. Hahaha, life is so funny.
I try to be okay and get back up. But, it's not easy. I lost my confidence, lost my direction, I don't know what this life is really for. Especially since I'm broken while he seems fine and doesn't care about the wounds he's inflicted on me. Well, but we can't control other people, can we?
You'll probably think I'm overreacting with my feelings. After all, I'm not the only one who's experienced that problem. Many people have experienced it and can get back up or persevere. So I shouldn't dramatize it.
Yes, maybe you're right. But I don't want to ignore the pain I've experienced, I want to validate it. Until I know what I need to treat. To heal completely, you have to know the disease and the wound, right? Although I'm sure I won't heal completely, a trauma is etched deep enough.
So what makes me sad? When I feel like I can't be someone my family is proud of. Especially when I've tried my best and still failed because of external factors beyond my control.
I shouldn't be sad, right? Because I've
tried my best. But it doesn't erase the wound I've inflicted on them. So I
still feel that sadness.
Do you think I'm stupid?
What about you, what makes you feel sad?
The full challenge is here!!!
(uwiepuspita)
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